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Okay, friends. I am a huge Harry Potter fan. This is maybe an understatement and also probably news to no one. You are also probably a huge Harry Potter fan. I was really excited about Cursed Child. And I just finished rereading the entire series (for the first time since Deathly Hallows came out because THAT EPILOGUE WAS A GREAT BIG PILE OF NO) so the bar was pretty low considering Deathly Hallows is my least favorite and I was just excited for new Harry Potter.

Friends. Friends this is not good. Below the cut are the reactions I had while reading, uncensored and unedited.


oh no it’s badfic
this Delphi bint reads like a total self-insert
no seriously if we were gonna focus on a minor character as plot impetus why Diggory and why give him a random niece we’ve never met as his nurse they could’ve picked any other minor character to be the nurse seriously why
Scorpius is fucking delightful
everything happens so much
no seriously Harry’s scar hurting? ughhh wtf did we have to read all about the horcrux hunt/camping trip of sadness if they didn’t really kill voldemort
oh good someone was stealing potions ingredients and they’re the only ones we’d recognize because they’re for fucking polyjuice potion
WTF IS UP WITH THE TROLLEY CART WITCH WTF WTF
oh no it’s time travel fix-it badfic
okay I know that malfoy’s wife kicked it offscreen, because why would we need to have any lady characters amirite?, but draco said Scorpius is his only family what happened to his parents?
I like how Delphi just casually tosses out there that she helped her uncle amos drug a ministry official with veritaserum pretty sure that’s hella illegal why are scorius and albus trusting this random witch their parents would totally have taught them about stranger danger
Hermione would never keep a dangerous and powerful magical artifact that the ministry is denying exists unattended or in her fucking office are you kidding?
like the minister for magic’s office wouldn’t be warded against alohomora SERIOUSLY
WTF HE KISSED HIS AUNT WTF WTF WTF NOPE
am I honestly supposed to believe that actual genius, experienced polyjuice user, and minister for magic Hermione granger-weasley wouldn’t realize something was up with her husband when he tries to distract her by saying he either wants a baby or a holiday? Like they wouldn’t have had a fucking conversation about how many kids they want when Hermione works the hours she’d clearly have to work?
there’s not a chance in hell Ron’s read Shakespeare why would he ever say ‘puckish sense of fun’ get your characterization together albus you idiot
HERMIONE WOULD NOT PUT THE TIMETURNER THERE SHE JUST WOULDN’T
draco casually addressing mcgonagall as ‘minerva’ and her not even blinking is freaking me out
we’ve not got any time to waste testing our MAGICAL TIME TRAVEL DEVICE?
Delphi is super creepy everything about this is super creepy
‘He is a magnificent centaur’ is the most hilarious character description I’ve ever read in my life and sorta feels like the beginning of a chuck tingle story
lolling so hard at Bane and Harry’s convo that dialogue was so bad and then Bane fucking neighs and runs away
‘still get a tingle, don’t you?’ NO SCORPIUS BECAUSE ODDLY ENOUGH CASTLES DON’T DO IT FOR ME
so albus is an idiot and yet I still ship Scorpius/Albus like a lot just so much
‘go, go, krazy krum’ ohmygoddd
it’s super super creepy that bagman calls him ‘cedric delicious diggory’
no seriously wtf ‘delicious’
‘we cannot protect the young from harm’ are you kidding me with this shit portrait Dumbledore? THAT WAS LITERALLY YOUR JOB DUDE
harry is literally the worst dad your kid has ONE FRIEND WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WTF RON IS MARRIED TO PADMA?
WTF HARRY WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO MINERVA THE ONE ADULT IN HARRY POTTER WHO NEVER LETS ANYONE DOWN HOW DARE YOU??!!
WTF WHY IS HERMIONE SO MEAN I HATE EVERYTHING
okay but that staircase scene – they’re hopelessly in love, right?
seriously Delphi is so very shady and if they changed history why would she know anything about their mission? SERIOUSLY STRANGER DANGER
‘you two – you belong together’ wait does Delphi ship Scorpius/Albus?
no seriously draco casually addressing everyone by their first names and no one reacting is freaking me out he just called her ginny and nobody is surprised but that makes so little sense because they all still clearly have antagonistic relationships with him
wait I’m really supposed to believe ron and hermione would never have fallen in love if ron didn’t have a jealous fit over viktor krum? They didn’t get together for years after that! And I don’t have a lot of canon HP ships that I love, but I LOVE Ron/Hermione.
oh hey look Minerva continues to be the fucking greatest (I think she also ships Scorpius/Albus tbh)
OH LOOK SCORPIUS JUST SAID A MEANINGFUL ‘ALWAYS’ TO ALBUS AND THEN THEY HUGGED
no, no, no that’s still a terrible plan stop making plans boys stop it this is what happens when you don’t have a Hermione in your friend-group TERRIBLE PLANS
it is so incredibly not cool for hermione and ron to still have a thing for each other when ron’s married to someone else
did we know her name was Myrtle Elizabeth Warren? I don’t think we knew that.
OHMYGOD ALBUS THAT IS A TERRIBLE PLAN
OHGOD YOU GUYS FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP REAL BAD
VOLDEMORT DAY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING
FOR VOLDEMORT AND VALOR WITH A LITTLE HANDSIGN OHMYGOD OHMYGOD
y’all I have to imagine there’s some stellar staging for this because just going by the script this is a steaming pile of WTF
the scorpion king at the blood ball ohmygod kill me kill me now
ohmygod mudblood death camps are you shitting me with this
snape’s alive and we find out from some random kid Scorpius bullied into doing his homework?
wait wouldn’t snape totally be leading the resistance or something?
I’m seriously supposed to believe cedric diggory became a death eater because he got embarrassed? And then killed Neville?
also I’m really angry we haven’t gotten any Neville scenes yet NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM 4EVER
ron is slightly less good at the rebel look than Hermione is *hysterical laughter*
‘great I expect their mother is hot’ THIS IS NOT THE RON WEASLEY I KNOW
okay wait Hermione called ron ‘weasley,’ but snape’s ‘severus’ OHNO ARE THEY BANGING?
ohmygod they only get to kiss each other once before they have their souls sucked out of their bodies?
it’s really weird that Scorpius knows what kind of patronus lily potter had
‘thank you for being my light in the darkness’ WHY IS ALL OF THIS DIALOGUE SO TERRIBLE WHY
‘I agree it doesn’t sound good’ WELL NO SHIT ALBUS
‘you kept it in a bookcase it’s almost laughable’ it would be funny if it wasn’t so sad, you’re right, mcgonagall
‘I’m not sure being fearless is going to be good for your health’ okay yeah that was pretty good
‘you’re quite proud of that phrase aren’t you’ ‘been working on it all day’ SERIOUSLY I SHIP IT
ohmygod ron was drunk when they got married?
‘your dad loves you very much’ I’M MAD THAT I ACTUALLY FIND THAT TOUCHING WHEN EVERYTHING IS SUCH GARBAGE
okay I knew she was voldemort’s daughter but seriously SHE’S VOLDEMORT’S DAUGHTER
THIS IS OFFICIALLY BADFIC, Y’ALL
‘This is almost a Spartacus moment’ I’M SCREAMING WTF WTF WTF
ngl getting pretty tired of this cartoony, buffoonish ron weasley characterization
Scorpius being so tremendously done with albus obsessing about what his dad would think is ALL OF US THANK YOU SCORPIUS
‘My geekiness is a-quivering’ OHMYGOD WHUTWHUT WHY IS ALL THE DIALOGUE SO TERRIBLE
okay but james and lily wouldn’t be taking baby harry on a jaunt in a pushchair they were in hiding under a fidelius charm this makes no sense
this harry/dumbledore stuff is garbage and after just finishing a full reread of the series I have no time for that manipulative old coot
‘I loved you, too’ ‘I know’ ohmygod did Dumbledore just han solo harry?
harry you great git you’re the head of the mle and draco just showed you his illegal time turner and instead of arresting him you’re having a heart to heart?
Scorpius just told Albus he’s a human spoiler and HOW GREAT IS THAT
‘I mean, it might traumatize the baby slightly.’ I’M SCREAMING
yes hide in a hole for 40 years, brilliant plan, seriously this is why everyone’s friend group needs a Hermione
ohmygod they’re leaving an invisible ink message on harry’s baby blanket
oh no they call the people who died in the battle of Hogwarts the Fallen Fifty that’s terrible
draco is seriously commenting on the lovely muggle-friendly farmer’s market in godric’s hollow this is a really weird AU fic
SEE THIS IS WHY YOU NEED A HERMIONE SHE CAME UP WITH THAT GREAT PLAN IN NO TIME FLAT
‘I am probably the most chilled out of all of us’ NO SERIOUSLY WHO IS THIS IMPOSTER AND WHAT HAS HE DONE WITH RON WEASLEY and also again this dialogue is appallingly bad
‘Lord Voldemort. It is me.” Lololololol
omg she really is Bellatrix and voldemort’s daughter that’s hilarious
wow watching harry’s parents die all over again was wholly unnecessary wtf
ugh why would you have Scorpius ask out rose that was the biggest 'no homo'
pigeons give harry potter the creeps I’m done y’all I’m so done
no really I’m done this is the end we end on harry potter taking his son to a graveyard and talking about how he’s scared of pigeons and then saying it’s going to be a nice day today
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